Lindsay Lohan’s Netflix movies go from terrible to just bad

It is another vacation with Lindsay.

In her three-picture deal with Netflix, Lindsay Lohan has been churning out brain-cell-busting seasonal movies since 2022.

There was the excruciating “Falling for Christmas,” in which an injury causes a stuck-up hotel heir to lose his memory. She is forced to recuperate at a bed and breakfast in a huge ski town, where the empty woman learns to make eggs with extreme difficulty.

Then, in March, it came St. Patrick’s Day associated “Irish Wish”. O’Dius. Lohan got an intellectual upgrade by playing a Manhattan book editor who dreams of marrying the talentless writer she works with. At her wedding to another woman in Ireland, an ancient fairy dressed as a Ren Faire reject grants her foolish request.

But this week our long national nightmare is over. I hope. I pray. Her purported last hurray for the streamer, which came out Wednesday, is called “Our Little Secret.”

It’s no secret how I feel about it: Hard pass.

What are Lohan’s man issues this time around?

While visiting her boyfriend Cameron’s (Jon Rudnitsky) strict family for Christmas, her fragile character Avery discovers – identical to the last two – that his little sister’s new beau is actually her ex, Logan (Ian Harding). They broke up 10 years before when she took a job in London and rejected his ill-timed marriage proposal.

So the ex-lovers decide together to pretend they don’t know each other in order to protect their promising new relationship.

Screenwriter Hailey DeDominicis works like a bitch to turn this little scheme into a coverup of Watergate proportions.

There’s an accident involving a dog and a vet, a mix-up during a secret Santa exchange, and an irreverent rendition of Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” at church. But “The Parent Trap” is not.

The only lovable addition to Haus Lohan is Kristin Chenoweth as Cameron’s judgmental, picky mother Erica. The “Wicked” actress lends herself well to sentimental, over-the-top scenarios like this, making us revel — as much as we can, anyway — in her mother’s hellish kitchen-table savagery.

But even Kristin can’t make logical sense of all the tonal weirdness in this film, directed by Stephen Herek.

Although a quick recap suggests that “Our Little Secret” is the simplest and most domestic of Lohan’s terror trilogy, the devices that lead to its conclusion are anything but Hallmark happy: A grandmother’s dementia and infidelity end a long-term marriage.

No laughs or tears at any of these downers – just cringes.

When a friend heard I was reviewing “Our Little Secret,” a friend asked a smart question: “Why?”

These films don’t aspire to much – like art or entertainment. They’re wintry background noise like mountain Schlock Hallmark and Lifetime air non-stop for the holidays. Christmas log videos with actors.

The answer, of course, is Lohan. I get amnesia every time one of these things is released and think maybe this is the good one. My Irish wish is that the actress, a true talent, will make a terrific comeback. My little secret is that I’m a big fan.

But three is a turkey. For “Freaky Friday 2.”