India adds “Grey divorce” to its dictionary, courtesy AR Rahman-Saira Banu

On By Littum


New Delhi:

Bollywood couples’ fabulous lives and divorces have gone hand in hand for many years now. The year 2024 was no exception. Except for one term that entered the Indian lexicon: gray divorce. Something India learned from music composer AR Rahman and his estranged wife Saira Banu.

What is a gray divorce?

Gray divorces refer to couples in their late forties or early fifties who separate after spending years or decades together in a marriage. This usually happens when the couples are more settled, their careers are coming to an end, and their children have already moved away from home.

The gray divorce buzz picked up steam in November when composer-singer AR Rahman and his wife Saira Banu called it quits after spending nearly three decades together.

Known for his musical genius, AR Rahman has hardly made headlines for his personal life all these years. His lesser known wife Saira Banu made a few public appearances with her husband at award shows and parties, but pictures on social media are not the same as real life.

AR Rahman and Saira Banu announced their divorce through a joint statement.

It read: “Despite their deep love for each other, the couple have found that the tensions and difficulties have created an insurmountable gulf between them, which neither party feels able to bridge at this time.”

“Ms Saira and her husband Mr AR Rahman request privacy and understanding from the public at this challenging time as they navigate this difficult chapter in their lives,” it added.

Hours after news of their separation broke, AR Rahman wrote on his X handle that they were seeking “meaning” in this “breakup”.

“We had hoped to reach the thirty, but all things, it seems, have an unseen end. Even God’s throne may tremble at the weight of broken hearts. Yet in this crushing meaning we seek, though the pieces may not find their place again To our friends, thank you for your kindness and for respecting our privacy as we go through this fragile chapter,” wrote AR Rahman.

AR Rahman and Saira Banu are not alone

In the past few years, Bollywood couples like Sohail Khan-Seema Sajdeh, Aamir Khan-Kiran Rao, Malaika Arora-Arbaaz Khan, Hrithik Roshan-Sussanne Khan have prioritized their mental well-being and happiness over societal norms and expectations. All of them have gone through a ‘grey divorce’, which meant letting go of identities that were as much private as public.

Three years ago, Aamir Khan and Kiran Rao ended their marriage on an amicable note. The couple had a happy reunion and made the most of their time at Aamir’s daughter Ira Khan’s wedding to Nupur Shikhare earlier this year.

Aamir’s ex-wife and Ira’s mother Reena Dutta was part of the celebrations. Happy pictures of a modern blended family flooded social media.

Later, Kiran Rao spoke about his equation with Reena Dutta and Aamir Khan’s other family members.

“It comes very naturally to us as humans to be inclusive,” Kiran said in an interview with The Week.

“We also live in the same housing society. My mother-in-law stays upstairs, Reena lives next door and Nuzhat (Aamir’s cousin) also lives nearby. It’s because we genuinely like each other as people. I hang out with Reena and Nuzhat independently of Aamir too.

“My sisters-in-law live upstairs and I adore them. Those are relationships you don’t lose if you divorce. Aamir and I didn’t have an acrimonious divorce; we may have drifted apart as a couple, but we are very much one family,” she added.

Psychological reasons

There are various psychological reasons that lead a couple to a gray divorce.

Relationship counselor Ruchi Ruuh tells NDTV, “The primary reason behind gray divorces is the rise of individualism. Couples in their late 40s or early 50s are trying to rediscover who they are. They are searching out identities over the existing ones they have formed around their partners or parents for years.They may have certain repressed desires or aspirations that they are trying to fulfill now.

Ruchi Ruuh also argued that there is an increasing awareness and acceptance of “singlehood” in the urbanized social structure, breaking the stigma surrounding divorce and gray divorces.

“This older generation, Gen X, has largely experienced the normalization of emotional neglect. All these years they have learned to make a good living, live together, raise a family, keep society going by staying together in a marriage that is actually falling apart,” says Ruchi.

With the passage of time and the growing influence of social media, old couples do not hesitate to seek happiness even as the clock ticks past midlife.

However, co-parents are individuals

Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne Khan separated in 2014 after being married for 14 years. They continue to be parents to sons Hrehaan and Hridaan. The couple always makes sure they are present in their sons’ important moments.

Earlier this year, Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne turned up for their son Hrehaan Roshan’s graduation ceremony. Sharing an inside video from the ceremony, Sussanne wrote: “Where we’re going no one knows… but I have to say I’m on my way…” Congratulations my son.

Take a look:

Seema Sajdeh had a tough time after her divorce from Sohail Khan, which also affected her friendship with BFF Maheep Kapoor.

In an episode of the Netflix reality series Amazing Lives vs Bollywood Wives, the fashion designer opened up about how her decision to break away from a 24-year marriage affected her interpersonal relationships with her sons, friends and others. The couple also made a rare appearance together at their son Yohaan’s birthday a few months ago.

Seema Sajdeh and Sohail Khan in an old photo

Seema Sajdeh and Sohail Khan in an old photo

Seema and Sohail Khan share sons Nirvaan and Yohaan, and Arbaaz is now married to Sshura Khan.

Gray divorces in 2024

In 2024, Esha Deol shocked fans when she announced her divorce from husband Bharat Takhtani in February.

The statement read: “We have mutually and amicably decided to separate. Through this transition in our lives, the well-being and welfare of our two children remains our highest priority. We kindly request that our privacy be respected during this time.”

Esha Deol and Bharat Takhtani at their wedding

Esha Deol and Bharat Takhtani at their wedding

In November Company Actor Isha Koppikar opened up about her divorce for the first time in an interview with Bombay Times.

“I really can’t figure out what went wrong… we kind of drifted apart. It was his decision, he said, this is not going to work”. And I said, “Okay, fine”. Then we just broke up. Only mature people can make decisions like these…It was easy for me not to give him a divorce, but it would go against my values. We parted amicably,” said Isha.

Isha and husband Timmy Narang share a 10-year-old daughter. Timmy confirmed his divorce in January after reports circulated online.

Do celebrity gray divorces affect the choices of ordinary people?

Ruchi Ruuh says celebrity gray divorces influence ordinary people’s choices as there is “certain aspirational value” attached to it.

“I would like to share an anecdote here. When Yash Chopra’s Silsila was released, the conversation around extramarital affairs peaked and people were having extramarital affairs. The talks normalized things in a way. Similarly, celebrity gray divorces have an impact on common people’s choices,” says Ruchi.

Gray divorces also underscore a shift in divorce narratives where women are supposed to lose identities and financial freedoms.

“Celebrities like Sussanne Khan and Malaika Arora are living beautiful lives after their divorce and are encouraging women to come out of their forced bonds,” adds Ruchi.

Celebrity or non-celebrity, no couple wants a broken home, especially after spending decades together. But gray divorces, a rising social phenomenon in India, reiterate the importance of seeking love, compassion and happiness, which cannot be dictated by society’s terms and conditions all the time.

Gray divorces are not desired, but it allows a person to seek agency over one’s happiness.