Nikki Glaser accepts the Golden Globes

“When you’re a white, pasty girl, get a spray tan, everyone’s nicer to you!” Nikki Glaser said during her stand-up act. “They think you’ve been on vacation, they think things are going well in your life. And they are not; you just stood naked in front of a teenager. … And in the middle of her squirting me, like when she sees my ass, she says, “I’m such a fan!”

Glaser thought she had her January planned out: “So in January of 2025, I might have to have an eyebrow lift or some kind of really invasive surgery that I’ve been, you know, looking at sheep.”

The kind of procedure where you have to disappear from the public eye for a while, and then re-emerge. But then she got a phone call from TWO of her agents: “And when it’s two, you know that’s good news, because when it’s bad news, they just get one person to do it, because no want to do it! And they say, ‘So, this surgery, is there any way you can push it ’til maybe the second week of January?’

That’s because Glaser is hosting the Golden Globes on CBS on Jan. 5—just another big gig in a year that’s been full of them.

Her 2024 special, “Someday You’ll Die,” was nominated for an Emmy, a Grammy and a Golden Globe.

“It’s easy to be a bad mother; it’s so easy. But to be a good mother is hard. To be a bad mother, it’s as easy as to be a good father.”

But it’s the special’s theme song, which Glaser wrote, she’s most proud of: “Honestly, it might be one of the things I’m most proud of in my entire life.”

“It couldn’t be more different from joke writing, could it, in terms of vulnerability?” I asked.

“Yeah, yeah, because all the joking around is that I’m vulnerable, so I cut it with this kind of line that’s like, ‘I’m just kidding.'” I talked about my depression, but we don’t all become together emotional here. There’s just something so embarrassing about being emotional. Nikki It’s too hard,’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah, I can.’

Glaser made her name in celebrity roasts with a fiery style of jokes, deadpanning at her own and others’ expense, jokes we mostly can’t play for you on network TV — all of which came in handy earlier this year when she roasted NFL great Tom Brady live on Netflix.

“Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, ‘I know, not real money’.”

Glaser says that even though she’s mostly done with roasts, she actually asked Netflix for the job: “I was like, ‘Tell Tom Brady I’m the Tom Brady of roasts.’ It’s flattering, but it’s also true, I meant it, I really feel like Tom Brady is a guy who’s worked hard enough to be how great he is.

The same could be said for Glaser … and the Golden Globes will be her biggest audience yet. “I’ll be fine,” she said. “Maybe I won’t nail it in some people’s eyes, but I’ll have it nailed in my eyes because I set up a system that led to it that I couldn’t possibly work harder at it.”

More on that system later… because trust isn’t always easy for Glaser.

She has spoken about struggles with self-medication, eating disorders and alcoholism. “I drank every single night of my life and it was like the only thing I looked forward to in my life,” she said. “For me, drinking was the worst of them all. And it’s been kind of a mule with them all. But they’ve never caused me as much pain as drinking did. So I’m glad that drinking is just not an option.”

I said, “In recovery, they talk about this thing called ‘the disorder’—just this kind of general state of not being comfortable.”

“Yes,” Glaser said. “The obsession with work is like just not wanting to feel.”

Will the pressure of hosting the Globes get to Glaser? She says she hopes it does. “I thrive on anxiety,” she said. “I like to feel, ‘Oh, what’s going to happen?’ I like the feeling, I kill it when I’m anxious.

Glaser’s “system,” which she first developed for the Brady roast, works with a team of writers that includes Sean O’Conner, Jessica Dweck and Glaser’s longtime boyfriend and collaborator, Chris Convy.

The jokes they come up with are then tested over and over, both on the road and in small LA clubs, to see what genuine the audience thinks.

“I had a bunch of Ozempic jokes I wanted to tell, but I lost them. The natural way, I swear! I just cut out the soda.”

The Golden Globes audience will decide on January 5 whether all this preparation from Glaser has paid off. But she says, in a certain way, that she is already working on her next project, an off-stage project.

“I think my new challenge is that I want to be known for being a nice celebrity,” Glaser said. “I just want to be someone that people say, ‘Oh, she’s really great to work with. She was really nice to us,’ and not in a fake way.”

“Do you want to spread kindness to people while emptying their entire existence in your periphery?” I asked.

“That’s the paradox of it,” she said. “I want to spread honesty.”

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Don’t miss out 82nd Annual Golden Globes Ceremony live on January 5 at 8pm ET/5pm PT on CBS and Paramount+.

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Story produced by Anthony Laudato. Editor: Lauren Barnello.