Review: ‘Red One’ is a big, bloated failure

There’s no doubt that we all need a little Christmas now. But Hollywood fails to deliver as promised with “Red One,” now in theaters, where A-listers Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris “Captain America” ​​Evans flex their muscles to save the jacked-up Santa (spoilt Oscar winner) JK Simmons) from terrorist commando kidnappers.

It sounds like “Die Hard” was revisited, which would have been great, since many of us rank the definitive mix of action and ho-ho-ho as their favorite entertainment to relax with during the holidays. So what went wrong with all the elements in place? One word: everything.

Initially, “Red One” reportedly cost over $250 million to produce, and very little of that is shown on screen as it zips around the world through toy store supply closets, from the beaches of Aruba to the Arctic Circle. You can feel the madness everywhere, but it’s not fun.

Johnson plays Callum Drift, the head of security at the North Pole. He is also an immortal who can shrink himself to elven size. Why? And why, after 542 years of helping Santa and Mrs. Claus (Bonnie Hunt), does he want to retire? You will enjoy “Red One” more if you stop asking logical questions.

The lame plot kicks into gear when Red One turns up missing two days before Christmas, and creatures from toy monsters to killer snowmen run amok, even as Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu) must keep them in line as head of a mysterious international agency.

Zoe is not up for the job this time. So she enlists Evans as Jack O’Malley, a career criminal known as “The Wolf” who appears to be suffering a midlife crisis dealing with his estranged teen son Dylan (Wesley Kimmel). If anyone can find Santa, it’s Jack. The problem is, Jack doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, so how is he going to find one who isn’t there?

These are the jokes, folks. And at least for a while, Johnson and Evans turn “Red One” into a buddy comedy decent enough to bring a few smiles to a discerning audience, preferably comprised of the under-5 audience.

Working from a botched script by Chris Morgan of “Fast & Furious” franchise that has none of those qualities, director Jake Kasdan, who guided Johnson through two rebooted “Jumanji” epics, lets this big, bloated failure get away from him. Everything from the dragging pace until the sleepwalker’s imaginations feel off.

The less said the better about the late arrival of the villain, the Christmas witch Gryla, played by Kiernan Shipka, who was Don Draper’s child on “Mad Men.” Gryla’s ex is the dark lord of the holidays and Santa’s extraneous gargoyle of a brother, Krampus (Kristofer Hivju).

The special effects, including the giant reindeer (all girls) and the fantasy elements, are digitized into a headache-inducing barrage of pixels. No wonder depressed Cal wants out. “I love the kids, but the adults kill me,” he moans. We get your point, friend.

Indeed, the alleged adults behind “Red One” have presented us with a Christmas miracle no one asked for: a movie that vacuums the joy out of the season. Artificial intelligence could have produced something more human. When it comes to finding a phrase to sum up this lump of coal trying to pass itself off as festive fun, old Mr. Scrooge said it best: “Bah, humbug!”