Maybe these late-night losers will stop believing the world is ending

So a Republican has won an election and you know what that means. Jimmy Carter has to stay alive for four more years. It is also time for liberals to tell themselves that they are still right about everything and that their hysteria and delusions of persecution are perfectly normal.

Yet right now they’re melting like the stick of butter Joy Behar keeps between her thighs to prevent chafing. For example, last night all the other late-night hosts had a hissy fit. Too bad Tim Walz is still grieving or he could send them all a sack of industrial tampons. Poor Jimmy. True, it was a terrible night for women, children, and for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who mowed his lawn.

BIDEN CONGRATULATIONS TRUMP, VOICES “PEACEFUL AND ORDERLY” TRANSFER OF POWER

JIMMY KIMMEL: It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who make this country go. For the healthcare system, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for freedom of expression. It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who depend on Social Security. For ours allies in Ukrainefor NATO, for the truth. And democracy and decency. And it was a terrible night for anyone who voted against him. And guess what? It was also a bad night for everyone who voted for him. You just don’t realize it yet.

You know what? If I ever cry on TV, it will be because Maroon 5 released a new song. But that’s the big ****. Remember when Johnny Carson cried like a baby over Ronald Reagan being elected? Yeah, I don’t either. And do you know why he didn’t? Because his wife didn’t keep his balls in a Tupperware container next to a box of tofu burgers. But the killer line was at the end when Kimmel said, “You just don’t know.” Because you see, he’s smarter than you, and he needs you to know that. And his ego can’t stand that there is someone out there who is more famous and more influential than him. I have news for you, Kimmel. The last time you mattered, Bruce Jenner still had a penis.

I love you, Bruce.

Caitlyn Jenner arrives at the 2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Graydon Carter at the Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on February 28, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California. (John Shearer/Getty Images)

Jimmy’s career peaked with busty girls on trampolines. Now the only chest we see is him. He was once a co-host on the Man show. Now he’s sobbing like he just watched Steel Magnolias three days into his menstrual cycle. Here’s another grumpy multi-millionaire.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Hi there. How are you? If you watch the show regularly, I guess you are not doing well. Yeah, me neither.

Are you not feeling well? You are filthy rich and completely immune to the crap you push on everyone else. By the way, I’m actually fine, Stephen. Other than the 48 hour erection I’ve had since they called Pennsylvania, I feel no pain bro.

But, Stephen, have you tried to get over yourself? You’ve been beating Trump for eight years and all you’ve done is help put him back in power. After getting something wrong every day and night for eight years, you might want to try something new, like, I don’t know, comedy. But at least Seth Meyers reveals the source of his anguish — relevance. Trump has it. He doesn’t.

SETH MEYERS: We live in an infinite time warp where Donald Trump has always been and always will be the center of the universe. There can be no escape. All hail our powerful and benevolent Supreme Leader.

Hmmm, or how about you just do your stupid little comedy show and stop acting like you were trying to save the world but we were too ungrateful to listen to your brilliance. NBC’s late-night show used to be wacky high jinks until Seth turned it into an hour with your gay therapist. So these guys are experiencing deep mental pain. And it’s not just them. Journalists now offer tips for dealing with their disappointment, frustration, even fear. And I get it. This is normal after any loss.

FOX NEWS VOTER ANALYSIS: HOW TRUMP RESTORED THE WHITE HOUSE

I’m still mad about losing the Sexiest Man Alive to Johnny Depp. But why should people feel fear? Maybe because they are only news sources that constantly tell them that Trump will turn America into Nazi Germany. But you know who actually felt fear during the Biden administration? People who had to ride the subway or have to buy groceries or someone who wants to beat a chicken that has no testicles. That’s a lot of people. But now even Kamala admits that everything will be fine. As much for Trump as Hitler. Turns out she was lying all along. They all were.

Still, CBS provided practical tips for dealing with loss. CNN recommends taking deep breaths, long walks. And please, don’t suppress your feelings. Usually when they cry this much, they share an elevator with Brian Stelter at Taco Tuesday. And then the media gives you solutions to the problems they caused.

After all, who created all the anxiety by promising the apocalypse if Trump won? They did. It’s like climate hysteria. They probably beat the drum, and then children came down with climate stress.

Look at Kimmel and Colbert, they are fucking wrecks because they believe the media. And yet we are fine because we were not brainwashed. We know that the media’s job is to lie to create anxiety out of proportion to the actual threat or no threat at all.

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Journalists really only need to give you one tip to deal with stress, and that is stop paying attention to journalists. Maybe these late-night losers will stop thinking the world is ending because we know under Trump that it’s really just beginning.