Interfaith families find meaning in ‘Chrismukkah’: NPR

The home in Morristown, New Jersey, is lit up with a sparkling Christmas tree. It is decorated with ornaments – a snowman, small home-made frames with pictures of the children and something a little less ordinary – two stars of David made from blue-painted popsicle sticks.

From the mantel hang red Christmas stockings, next to what the children call blue “Hanukkah stockings”. There is an advent calendar and presents under the tree along with menorahs and a collection of dreidels.

Petra Wiehe Lieberman is a Christian and her husband, Lance Lieberman, is Jewish. This year, the first night of Hanukkah falls on Christmas, which means many interfaith homes — like Lieberman’s — will celebrate both holidays. Some have even dubbed the confluence of holy days Chrismukkah.

For children, this can mean best week, full of sweets, all the candles and maybe even lots of presents. But for parents trying to navigate two very different traditions with meaning, it can be fraught.

Interfaith families are constantly deciding how to embrace two traditions while respecting the distinct—and sometimes conflicting—meanings and teachings that both bring.

“It’s about honoring family and that the traditions are really important because of our connections to our family and to our heritage,” Petra said.

Mixing traditions

Petra and Lance have chosen to mix the two faiths – not just for winter parties, but all year round. Petra serves on the board of her family’s synagogue and also teaches Sunday school at her church. Her oldest child is preparing for her Bar Mitzvah and is also attending a Christian summer camp.

When Petra and Lance got together, neither wanted to give up their religion. And for a while it was fine. But when they had children, they knew they had to make some decisions.

“When we agreed to get married… I wanted her to agree to raise the kids Jewish,” Lance said.

But Petra’s faith was important to her, and neither Petra nor Lance were ready to give up their religion or the idea of ​​passing it on to their children.

“It wouldn’t be honest to say that this has always just been a joyous journey for both of us. I think there’s kind of a sense of loss at times for both of us,” Petra said. But she also added, “I feel like what I’ve achieved is so much more. And that we’ve both had to be more intentional about practicing our independent traditions.”

Lance Lieberman said there has been a sense of something lost and something gained in his interfaith marriage.

“There’s a sense of loss and it’s a little bit strange because the person who really might be responsible for that loss is your best friend and wife. And the same goes for her,” he said.

“It’s like going to someone else’s birthday party.”

Rabbi Robyn Frisch of the nonprofit organization 18 Doors works with people in interfaith relationships – especially when one half of the couple is Jewish. She said it is common for the Jewish partner to feel strongly about preserving Judaism in their home. One reason is that while children can absorb cultural aspects of Christianity, they are less likely to absorb the same cultural aspects of Judaism, according to Frisch.

“For Jews — wherever you grow up, chances are, even if it’s a very Jewish area, you’ve probably been in the minority,” Frisch said. “I think for people who are Jewish, it can feel very threatening, and it can feel like really giving in to the majority culture and losing who you are and that unique part of yourself.”

Frisch said that while some families take the blended approach, many families celebrate the holiday separately. This could look a number of different ways, such as observing different faith traditions at different times or keeping different holiday items in different rooms.

Frisch said some couples think of this as a way to honor their partner’s tradition while recognizing that it is not their own.

“It’s accompanying someone on their celebration. It’s like going to someone else’s birthday party — you know it’s not your birthday, but you’re celebrating,” Frisch said.

Not integrating, but holding together

Rev. Emily Brewer and Eric Eingold are an interfaith couple in Brooklyn. Emily told Eric on their first date that she was studying to become a Christian minister. Normally that kind of revelation made first dates awkward, but not for Eric. “I thought it was really cool.”

As Emily prepared for her vocation, she guest preached around town and Eric attended services as support.

“It kind of set the tone for showing up for each other and with curiosity and interest,” Emily said. “And I think that’s tried to be the tone that we’ve set when we engage with each other’s faith tradition.”

When they decided to get married and start a family, Emily and Eric went to premarital counseling so they could be purposeful about how they wanted to build a home and a family.

“It was really important to us to have a kid who was raised with both traditions and saw them as separate and can choose one one day, can reject them both, can figure out how he can integrate them in his own way or keep them together. Maybe not integrate, but keep them together,” Emily said.

They have a four-year-old son who is learning about Judaism and Christianity. Emily and Eric said he’s starting to understand what it means to be part of an interfaith home, but he’s still too young to really understand the differences.

“He knows I’m a Christian and Eric is Jewish. He knows he’s both. But I don’t know if he’s aware that it means we do different things on these holidays,” Emily said.

“It’s like he just gets it all,” Eric said.

Merry Christmas and Hanukkah Sameach

This year, Emily leads services on Christmas Eve at Lafayette Avenue Presbyterian Church in Brooklyn. The next morning, the family will wake up early and fly to Tennessee to be with Emily’s relatives, their Chanukah menorah in tow.

“We’ll probably have our traditional Christmas lunch there. And then…at sunset we’ll have packed our Hanukkah (Hanukkah menorah) – Eric’s Hanukkiah – and some candles. And we’ll have Hanukkah there,” Emily said.

Eric said they will also play dreidel together.

For interfaith families, the quiet choices they make about how to raise their children are much more public this week. Is there a tree or menorah in the window? Do they and their children say Mass or recite Hebrew blessings? And will they say Merry Christmas or Hanukkah Sameach? This year it is probably both.