13 Most Scandalous Remarks Colin Jost Has Received From ‘SNL’ Censors

On By Littum

In the movie Saturday eveningcensors began their 50-year battle with the comedians who produced Saturday Night Live. The film’s script sets up the conflict:

JOAN CARBUNKLE (50), NBC Standards. Red lipstick, golden cross and a pillbox hat. Attacking a manuscript with a RED PEN. “See this? I know it looks like a regular red marker, but this one is special,” Carbunkle tells author Michael O’Donoghue. “It’s kept America safe for the better part of a decade. It is a weapon against vulgarity, sex, communism and paganism.”

Despite Carbunkle’s efforts, Saturday evening writers still manage to sneak references to golden showers and clam diving past the ignorant scold. It’s a battle that continues to rage to this day. In his book, A very impact resistant faceWeekend Update anchor and former SNL main writer Colin Jost shares some of the red alerts he’s received from NBC Standards. “I’ve made a point of collecting these notes over the last 10 years because they’re perhaps the most enjoyable part of our job,” he says.

In no particular order, here are 13 of the funniest notes Jost has received. Is it fair to say that in many of these cases the censors might have had a point?


Please revise “your shit” and let’s talk about the term “puck”.


Let’s have an alternate line for “I wrap your dead body in tea bags.”


Drop the line: “I’m going to sit on your dick so hard you die.”


I assume Mike, Kyle, Sudeikis and Russell Crowe won’t be in “black-face”?


Lose all “breasts,” “breasts,” and the phrase “Jessica’s breasts.” Also has a thing for “Cowboys and Indians.”


During Future’s musical performance, please revise 8 “bitches”, 10 “fucks” and 9 “n-words”. Also in his song “March Madness” let’s change the 19 “fucks”; 27 “n-word” and 5 “bitch” references. Looking forward to a clean version!


Beep completely: “Who shits in my room? Who the hell took a shit in my room.”


Delete “God Lives for Puss” and let’s discuss options not centered on female/male genitalia.


Please review “1-800-Pubes for Kids” which does not fall within our pre-approved range of phone numbers.


Be careful with staging when Pete sucks the poison out of Dwayne Johnson’s butt and when he simulates the standing “69” position. I would avoid direct “head to crotch” contact. Flirts with the presentation of them “going to town” without it being accurately depicted.


Please delete “me licky ballsalotta.”


Make sure Madonna’s areolas are not visible. (This one is Jost’s personal favorite.)


In “OJ/Grease Mash-Up Musical” – revise the last beat of the song: “He killed Ron Goldman / Like a stabby stabby slashy slashy stabbady-slashy-do / And then his ex-wife / Like a jabby jabby knifey knifey jabbady -stabby-do.”

Norm Macdonald would have been proud of that last one.