‘Nosferatu’ review: Remember when vampires weren’t cute or sexy?

Oh, the weather outside is terrible. But don’t go to the multiplex to stay warm. Not if you are watching “Nosferatu”, yet. Bring your hand warmers, toe warmers, heart warmers and soul warmers – this update of the 1922 silent vampire classic will chill you to the bone.

But that might not scare you. All in Robert Eggers’ faithful, even adoring replay, from his picturesque 19th-century German town to the bleak mountain snowscapes that lead to the (brrr) imposing castle in Transylvania, looks fantastic. But with its stylized, often stilted dialogue and overly dramatic storytelling, it feels more like everyone’s living in a quaint period painting rather than a world populated by real people (and, yes, vampires) made of flesh and, er, blood .

Eggers, who writes and directs here, has described being haunted since his youth FW Murnau’s “Nosferatu” from 1922 starring Max Schreck (who borrowed so much from Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel “Dracula” that the author’s estate sued for copyright infringement). Eggers has said he wanted to present a true vampire, meaning the original folk variety—the hideous, ugly, venal kind. Not the seduce-you-in-a-dinner-jacket kind.

And certainly not the “veggie vampire” who only drinks animal blood (think “Twilight”). No, Eggers’ vampire, Count Orlok, only wants human blood – preferably from a lovely girl.

The girl here would be the young wife Ellen (Lily-Rose Depp), the focus of Orlok’s obsessions. In a nod to changing times, Eggers brings the character up and suggests that in 19th century society she was unfairly seen as “hysterical” when she was actually, you know, possessed. The lovely Depp fully engages in the high drama – but we don’t learn much about what’s in her head. Like everything else here, it’s a stylized performance that feels like a work of art but keeps us at a distance.

After a prologue where Ellen’s spiritual connection to Orlok is established, we begin our story in fictional Wisborg, on the Baltic coast. Ellen has just married the handsome, fresh-faced Thomas Hutter (a giving Nicholas Hoult), who intends to get a job at a real estate firm.

But first, Thomas is told by the shady-looking boss that he must take on an out-of-town assignment and travel into the Carpathians to get the signature of a shady client on the lap of a local fixer-upper. And he sets off, to the protests of Ellen, who has been having some really horrible dreams.

Note to self: When accepting job assignments, think twice if your boss sends you, solo, deep into wintry Transylvania? But if Thomas had used his sissy and sat at home by the fire with his bride, we would have had no film.

Waiting for Thomas in the dark, lonely castle—the exterior of which was actually filmed in Transylvania—is Orlok himself (Bill Skarsgård, truly unrecognizable in heavy, ugly makeup). They get down to business, but Thomas unfortunately cuts his finger, and his blood awakens a thirst in Orlok. Thomas quickly realizes that he is in a very bad place and needs to return to his wife immediately.

Back in Wisborg, Ellen lives with the couple’s friends, the Hardings (Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Emma Corrin, who have little to work with), and suffers from fits and spells. Orlok calls out to her and asserts his claim. The friends try to help, and when traditional medicine fails, they turn to a specialist in the occult – and a gift to the rest of us, because he is played by Willem Dafoe.

Dafoe’s naturally witty presence gives us a sense of relief from the stylized dialogue as the film travels to its inevitable conclusion, and surely what true horror fans are waiting for: Orlok’s climactic confrontation with Ellen.

For such fans, the terrifying tableau of a skeletal Orlok perched atop a drained Ellen will be satisfying enough to make the experience worthwhile. The rest of us may leave with the same feeling we had at the beginning: a deep but distant chill.

“Nosferatu,” a Focus Features release, has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association “for gory violence, graphic nudity and some sexual content.” Running time: 133 minutes. Two and a half stars out of four.