Chris Evans, The Rock kills Christmas with $250 million

For the most wonderful time of the year comes the worst movie of the year.

It’s “Red One,” a piece of Christmas crapola starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans. If you see it, you’ll regret it.

Our two hours of holiday dreams begin with the title, which refers to the POTUS-like code name given to Santa Claus by the US government.

How magical.

Kris Kringle, played by JK Simmons as a push-up-obsessed gym rat, is kidnapped after a freelance hacker named Jack (Evans) accidentally reveals the location of the North Pole to a villain.

So Santa’s bodyguard, Callum (Johnson, obviously), enlists Jack to rescue Santa and “save Christmas.”

Save Christmas? They have mercilessly killed it.

Before the abduction on December 24, Callum, who runs ELF (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification – ugh), is one day away from retirement.

“I love the kids,” he sighs. “It’s the adults who kill me.”

For the first time, we’re told that the naughty list is longer than the nice list. Callum doesn’t explain why, but it’s probably related to the CVS padlock mouthwash.

“Red One,” misdirected by Jake Kasdan, then oozes the usual seasonal pine sap.

“Somewhere inside every adult is the child they once were,” Simmons’ Santa replies as if in a hypnotic trance.

It’s the kind of canned Hallmark lines uttered in movies intended for young children.

So why do characters also shout “s–t!” several times in this PG-13 rated movie? Or, when Jack asked what his job was, who thought it best that Rock shouted, “To spread cheer, a–hole!”?

“Red One” is a film with many such mysteries. The reportedly cost $250 million to make. But you’d never know it from the not-so-special effects on screen. Did the craft service table include whole bluefin tuna and white truffles?

Jack is one of the jaded adults Callum despises. As a child, killjoy told his little cousins ​​that Santa doesn’t exist. Now he has a troubled relationship with his young son, Dylan (Wesley Kimmel), and enjoys acting.

His supernatural adventures with suspenseful and humorless action chases make him late for Dylan’s school concert.

In search of Santa Claus, Callum and Jack head to Aruba, which probably accounts for 50% of the reason this movie was made in the first place, and the land of Krampus – the terrifying Christmas monster of German folklore.

The smallest viewers will not be entertained by Krampus, played by “Game of Thrones” actor Kristofer Hivju, as if he is Leprechaun on steroids. “Leprechaun in the Flop.”

The duo are captured by the prosthetic-enhanced freak, who is apparently Santa’s estranged brother, after Jack tries to iron some swag in his clammy castle.

“You tried to steal gold from the dark lord of winter!” says Rock in one of writers Chris Morgan and Hiram Garcia’s throwaway lines for video games.

Callum then engages in a game of Krampusschlap – a silly competition where the giant horned goat and ELF agent punch each other repeatedly until one passes out and he is freed.

I thought: When will I win my freedom?

Only after we meet Gryla, a basic witch played by Kiernan Shipka, who has Claus in her clutches. The sorceress has a sinister plan to trap all naughty people in snow globes – a sort of half-assed rapture.

They have to stop her with the help of an American government official named Zoe (Lucy Liu), head of MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority. Say it with me – ugh!).

It’s no spoiler to say that the heartless movie ends with Santa delivering presents all over the world.

As for the “Red One”, I would like a gift receipt.