‘Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story’ is an exuberant blitz of sports-themed joy, which was the point

CNN
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“Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story,” Hallmark’s snowy Swiftie bait about two people looking to score, was at times as much about fruitcake as football, which was fitting for this strangely sweet and sometimes confusing confection of a movie . But unlike fruitcake, it’s what the people want.

The low-stakes syrup coating this short stack of a love story — in this case between Chiefs fan Alana (Hunter King) and Derrick (Tyler Hynes), director of fan engagement for the team — is why they keep craft these holiday stories that draw their pathos from the same TJ Maxx home decor signs that hang in your aunt’s bathroom.

Does the movie have anything to do with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, the two people whose courtship has made people outside of Kansas City care about Kansas City and football? Button. Kelce’s mom makes a cameo and gives a wink-nod quip. Other than that, this story belongs to us, the viewers who order their movies like they order their fast food, saying, “Yeah, I’ll take extra cheese.”

Our story begins with Alana, who has a history with Kansas City and with the Chiefs that goes back literally generations: Her parents met because their families had season tickets and sat next to each other growing up. Soon, Alana will take over her family’s Chiefs-themed store, located on an adorable street populated by other small businesses, including one run by a well-meaning woman who makes a seemingly rotten fruitcake for the ungrateful family every year.

Derrick moved around a lot as a child, including a stint in Paris, but at one point tells Alana that he’s never put down roots anywhere. She politely doesn’t mention that he sounds extremely Canadian.

They meet because Derrick has been rightfully berated by his colleagues for not getting to know the fanbase well enough since moving into town and is encouraged to connect with The People. When Derrick’s co-workers basically tell him he’s bad at his job, it goes over his head and he decides to eat some Kansas City BBQ.

The diner he chooses is owned by Alana’s grandparents and employs a sweet woman, known to those watching as Donna Kelce, mother of Chiefs tight end Travis and former Philadelphia Eagle Jason. While there, Alana’s family immediately arranges a meet-cute and other romance-encouraging events, but Donna advises, “Don’t force it, ladies. Just let it happen. Trust me on this one.”

See you, Donna.

“They’re very nice,” Derrick tells Alana at one point of her heavy-handed family.

“So are otters until they rip your face off,” she replies. (Let’s watch that movie next time.)

The family loves Derrick and even lets him in on a piece of their family history: The Chiefs have made the Super Bowl every year, with someone from her family wearing a magical vintage Chiefs winter hat during the football game on Christmas Day. The hat was given to his grandfather years ago by a bell-ringing Santa as a thank you for his generous charitable donation. It disappeared for a period of time until it returned to their family. In the years it was gone, the Chiefs never made it to the Super Bowl. When was it returned? Well, you know.

Derrick’s dead heart doesn’t believe the story and it almost costs him the girl. When he expresses his doubts, Alana’s family bids him farewell from the store and offers him their rejected fruitcake as a parting gift.

Enter destiny. It’s not long before Derrick is back on their doorstep because he’s tasked with screening one of the finalists for the Chiefs Fan of the Year contest – Alana’s family.

Other finalists include the family of an influencer pet named “Catrick Mahomes” and a family whose home Christmas decorations would be worn by Taylor Swift to a Chiefs game if adorned with a vintage jacket.

Derrick invites Alana to represent the family at the staff Christmas party where all the finalists will be introduced. While there, he sneaks her away for a surprise and covers her eyes before the big reveal of…an empty stadium. Something tells me if this was what the Beast showed Belle instead of his massive library, his damn employees would still be sleeping in closets. But lucky for Derrick, Alana loves it and they kiss.

Derrick doesn’t exactly have the hardest sell that Alana’s family — who say “Chiefs” instead of “cheese” when taking pictures — are the biggest fans of all, and the movie doesn’t waste too much time getting you to wonder: They win the competition.

The real twist is that this happens while half of this movie is still left.

Apparently recognizing their own thin premises, the filmmakers tap into a new source of excitement when the hat disappears. Yes, the love story turns into a heist movie.

Alana breaks the news of the stolen hat to her family on Christmas Eve, and while they are shocked, they are not without hope that everything will work out in the end.

They’re all further distracted because Derrick comes to their non-holiday dinner with a big gift: a pair of seats from the original Chiefs stadium. And they are not just any seats. These are the ones Alana’s grandparents used to sit in.

I won’t lie; I cried.

Derrick and Alana later have a brief fight when Derrick accuses her of having “more faith in a hat than in me.” Even if she did, she met you four days ago, Derrick.

They get over their tiff in time to celebrate with Chiefs Kingdom at the big Christmas Day game, where Derrick has arranged a surprise. Although the hat is still missing, he has the team provide hats similar to Alana’s family’s vintage hat for the entire audience. The cheap, quickly produced imitation hats move Alana to tears. She doesn’t ask how the team managed to produce 76,000 hats in a few days because I guess that would have ruined the moment. Merry Christmas, Labor Law.

The magic is further preserved when Santa (played by Abraham Benrubi), the same one who gave her grandfather the hat many decades ago, returns the hat to Alana. So Christmas and love are saved by Jerry from “ER.”

Did Santa steal the hat so he could make himself relevant again? Did Derrick sew the hats himself? was Catrick Mahomes robbed in the competition for fan of the year? So many questions. But as a great poet once wrote, “Honestly, who are we to fight alchemy?”